Tired of blogging about sickos and gallows-birds, I've decided it's time to find something to cheer me up and clear my head of their madness. What better way to do that than by tormenting some third-world fraud?
In this case I was contacted some time back by a Mr. Oneyka of Lagos, Nigeria; he solicited my Mike Ockisard alter ego about a chevron employee who had died, or was killed, or at all events lost the number to his mess near Lagos and had $20 mil stashed away.
My first ever oil fraud attempt! I had to do something special, so I celebrated by creating ANOTHER sock-puppet alter ego, appropriately christened Jed Clampett. Let's watch the fun unfold:
MR PAUL ONYEKA MPO
CHEVRON OIL PRODUCING COMPANY NIGERIA
DEAR FRIEND,I AM PAUL ONYEKA, THE PERSONAL ASSISTANCE TO MR.CORSO PADILLA, AND A NATIONALOF YOUR COUNTRY (AMERICA), WHO USED TO WORK WITH CHEVRON OIL PRODUCINGCOMPANY IN NIGERIA.HEREINAFTER, MR.CORSO PADILLA AND HIS FAMILY’S WERE INVOLVED IN A CARACCIDENT ALONG LAGOS IBADAN EXPRESSWAY.ON THE 25TH OF APRIL 2005; ALLOCCUPANTS OF THE VEHICLE UNFORTUNATELY LOST THEIR LIVES. SINCE THEN I HAVEMADE SEVERAL INQUIRIES TO YOUR EMBASSY (AMERICA), HERE TO LOCATE ANY OF HISEXTENDED RELATIVES, THIS HAS ALSO PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.AFTER THESE SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS, I DECIDED TO TRACK HIS LAST NAMEOVER THE INTERNET TO LOOK FOR SOME ONE WHO IS TRUSTH-WORTHY THAT CAN CLAIMTHIS FUND.I HAVE CONTACTED YOU TO ASSIST IN REPATRIATING THE FUND VALUED ATUS$20 MILLION LEFT BEHIND BY MR.CORSO PADILLA BEFORE IT GETS CONFISCATED ORDECLARED UNSERVICEABLE BY THE FINANCE FIRM WHERE THESE HUGE AMOUNTS WEREDEPOSITED.
(Cut for brevity and this sod's atrocious typing and capitalization-ed.)
REGARDS,MR PAUL PAUL ONYEKA.PERSONAL ASSISTANCE.
Usual boilerplate BS. Time for me to introduce him to not one, but two of my sock-puppet identities:
Sounds interesting. I will pass this on to my man of business, my agent, Jedediah Clampett. He handles most of my financial transactions, since I have been deemed untrustworthy with large sums of money owing to large phone bills from chatting with sexy ladies. Contact Mr. Clampett at email@example.com
The runaround begins. Paul promptly sends round to Jed:
Re: PLEASE URGENT.(COPCN).
Dear Jedediah Clampett,
How you are today and how is your family. I was directed by Mr. Mike Ockisard.i will like you to go through my proposal again and get back to Mr. Mike Ockisard for him to send me his information so that I can forward it to the bank for approvals. (Blah Blah etc.-ed)
Jed disappears for a few months while I wallow around in an apathetic self-pitying stupor (see archives). Reinvigorated some time later, I decide to see if Paul is still interested, along with my excuse:
Re: PLEASE URGENT.(COPCN).
Sorry, Mr. Oneyka, for not hollering at ya sooner. I heard about this Chevron fella and want to help you out, I know all about oil, believe me.
Unfortunately, I have spent the last three months in jail, I wish I could have made contact with you. It seems the authorities had a little problem with the laboratory in my woodshed, seems the medicines I was cookin for my family and friends is highly illegal or sumpin. They busted up my finest distiller too. Fuckers.
Oh well, I'm back in bidness and ready to proceed. What do you need from me?
Let's see if he's still interested or if he's smelled a rat. A mischievous, insolent rat.