Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Reeling in the Suckerfish

Spammer Takes the Bait

Noel Ogunu, the supposed refugee in Ghana, contacted me again. He seems so eager to conduct business with me, he says he is e-mailing me from a fucking REFUGEE CAMP. Gomer. Of course I bring the subject up. Here goes:

FIRST CONTACT: Enter NOEL, STAGE RIGHT, out of the blue:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My Name is Noel Ogunu.The eldest son of the late chief Joseph Ogunu, who was the then owner of Ogunu's diamond coporation in my country (the war zone) Sierraleon before he was killed.late Chief Ogunu was a very rich and traditional African , who made a lot of money from the sales of diamonds, and crude oil.Before he died he deposited $45m with a safe house called Consolidated Safe Limited, and my name was used as the next of kin over here in west coast of Africa Ghana.He kept the money in two trunk boxes before he made the deposit, and the content were registerd as family valuables not cash, as not to raise an eye brow on him.My late father, chief Joseph Ogunu happend to sell diamonds,and crude oil to foreign buyers on shore before he was killed.This way he made fortune to him self.On the 22 day of nov,2003 he was on his way back from shore when he was attacked with his men by some pirate who took all they had....


...I am a young man of 23 years of age, I do not have any business idea, and it's a pit my mother cannot speak english hence I need your assistance to help us, stand as a foreign partner who will help us receive and invest this hugh sum wisely out side of Africa.My mother, and I is willing to give out 30percent of the total money invested if you are willing to help us.Please call me on reply to my email address above.My number is +233-244-795-093.

Yours Faithfully,Noel Ogunu

I reply that his offer "Sounds Great, Tell me More". This morning, he sent back:

Dear Sir,

I am who I say I am.I leave in the refugee camp in accra Ghana.The name of the came is called Budumbura came.That is the only camp in accra.If you come to the camp,ask to see the care taker of the camp,and ask after me from him,he will take you to our block. (ed. note: He says he's in a refugee camp. You Gotta Be Shitting Me, Pyle!)...


....Please tell me a little about your self and what you do as for me to know who iam dealing with.When next I hear from you again,I would inform the company about you as my late father business partner who will be the final receiver of the consignment so that you can now contact the company your self.Please send to me your phone number as for me to contact you when the need may arise or you can call me if you want sir.May God Bless you.

Yours Sincerely,Noel Ogunu

NOW THE FUN BEGINS! I respond with my (semi)-sob story:

From "Michael Ockisard"
Subject: Re: Business Partner needed
To: "Neol Ogunu" noelogunu@-----.com


I am sorry to hear your circumstances. Very fortunate that you have internet access in your camp! Do they have an internet cafe tent or something? (HAH! PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, YOU BASTARD! -ed.)

I have never been asked for help by someone I do not know before, so I hope you don't mind me asking for your camp caretaker's contact information:


Also, I would like to obtain the information and point of contact for your "company".

E-mail only, as I have no workable phone due to a recent storm that damaged the local telephone routers. For internet I have to travel 30 km to the nearest town with electricity and flushable outhouses. So you have my apologies in advance if I don't reply to you very quickly.

Set your mind at rest, friend. I am reliable and trustworthy. I am only 4 feet, 6 inches tall, a part-time caretaker for my mother, who was seriously injured in a burro-polishing accident some months ago. She required extensive oral surgery and needs expensive medication (10 grams of Tetrahydrocannabinol thrice daily). I am also part-owner and Chief Operating Officer of Methodist Laboratories, LLC. We specialize in "pharmaceutical research and development". The other partners in our family business are my stepfather and step-uncle, Roy and Renaldo, who unfortunately are both undergoing therapy at a methadone clinic for the next 3 months. I have many demands on my time and money, and can use all the help I can get.

So get your informational ducks in a row and drop me a line. Can't wait to hear from you again!

Mike Ockisard

I should feel guilty for tormenting these guys. Wait..... No, I don't. They've defrauded too many gullible people for my pity. Fuck 'em.

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