Friday, May 22, 2009

Recipe #2: Nuclear Jambalaya

Hans Brix? Oh No!

If I made this jambalaya any hotter, Hans Blix would start nipping at my ankles and I'd need a concrete and steel containment shield for my kitchen.

To get there:

1 lb. chicken breast
1 lb. shrimp
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 onion, 1 tomato, 1 bell pepper, 1 clove garlic (all diced)
3 cups rice
5 cups water
3 tbsp. paprika
2 tbsp. Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning
2 tbsp. Dale's

Rex's shrimp and crawfish boil and ground cayenne pepper to taste. Here you have 3 options depending on how badly you want to scorch your palate:

Alpha: 1 tbsp. cayenne, 2 tbsp. Rex's.

Beta: 3 tbsp. cayenne, 6 tbsp. Rex's.

Gamma: Empty your cayenne jar, add 1/4 cup Rex's, and wait for the IAEA to turn up and demand inspections. Tell them to pack sand. The UN will be angry with you, and they will write a letter expressing their anger.


Sautee the onion and garlic in your pan. add the chicken, shrimp, pepper, tomato, and spices. Simmer for 10-15 minutes. Add rice and water, return to boil, and add some more Rex's if you're feeling ballsy. If the fumes from the simmering critical mass in your pan make eyes tear up across the room, you have it right. Reduce heat to low and allow to simmer for 20 minutes. Serves four generously, eight as a side.

Good luck, and don't come crying to me if you fry your esophagus. In addition, you might find yourself suddenly popular with Iranians and North Koreans.

1 comment:

bulletholes said...

yeahCitizen I agree. if you can take the lid off and still breathe normal, then its lacking a little.

I made a nice Newburg for a Sunday Brunch one year at the Hyatt. about 30 gallons worth, probably has 50 pounds scallop, shrimp and Lobster in it.
Told my assistant to add 3 more cups of Paprika to finish it.
I went over and pulled the lid...the first thing I noticed was that it still had a pale color to it...3 cups of Paprika should have made it look rusty...then the fumes hit eyes watered and my nose started to bleed...I looked at my assistant and said "Where's that container of Paprika" and he points and I turn the label so I can see...
Yeah, Cayenne pepper...3 cups!

Newburg ain't sposed to be Jambalaya!